Beginning again

Hello, dear Reader.

As you may or may not know, I created the Candice Says blog back in January 2018 with the intention of sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with you. I had hoped to start some conversations and create connections with those taking the time to read my posts. While I did have support from Bagel, my folks, my immediate family, and some close friends who interacted with my writing via social media, my ‘audience’ didn’t really expand much at all.

After about four months of blogging about the progression of my move to the USA, I found myself dragging my feet and really struggling to put my thoughts and feelings into words and share them. I chalked it up to not having the capacity to share while I was adjusting to our new life abroad but looking back I realise it was about more than that.

LET’S REWIND A LITTLE

Way before Candice Says was created, I took part in a little exercise on Instagram known as the #365grateful project. Essentially, I committed to posting a picture (or collection of pictures) every day for a year showing something that I was grateful for that day. It was a way to find the good in every day, even if I had to work a little harder some days to find it. I first started this exercise in January 2014 and I managed to stick with it for a whole year. In fact, 2014 was an extremely challenging year for me in terms of personal and emotional growth and hardship and the 365grateful project really helped me through some of the toughest days because it forced me to find the silver linings and good bits in even the crummiest days.

I continued the project through 2015 and 2016 but in 2017 I struggled to keep it up. At times, I just didn’t have time to post to social media, but then there were weeks on weeks where I wouldn’t post anything at all and then I’d find myself scrambling and playing catch-up trying to get back on track. If you’ve read my ‘Great Relocation’ series of blogs, you’ll know that 2017 was an incredibly difficult year for me due to having issues with my Visa, being separated from Bagel, and essentially having to put my life on hold while trying to move abroad. Then there was an extremely difficult situation within my family, followed by Bagel’s proposal, our wedding planning, and our wedding. It was an INSANE year full of ups and downs; the highest highs and lowest of lows. I was battling severe anxiety and depression, going to therapy every week, and honestly just trying to stay afloat. It was like 2014 all over again, only this time it was far, FAR worse and trying to find the silver lining and share it on Instagram every day was definitely not working to get me through it.

I did end up finishing the year’s posts and I started the 365grateful project back up in 2018 but it wasn’t long before I found myself falling behind for weeks on end again. By this time, the project had become just a thing that I had been doing for years and I couldn’t ‘just give up’. While 2018 was an amazing year because I was finally able to relocate to the USA and join Bagel in our new life together, it was also really challenging because the whole dynamic of our relationship had changed and we were navigating this new life together without any support system outside of each other. It was scary as HELL and there were times when we honestly didn’t know if we’d make it through. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest, right?

Right at the end of December 2018, I was trying to catch up on a month’s worth of 365grateful posts while on vacation back in South Africa when I found myself thinking, ‘What the fuck are you doing? You’re missing out on time with your family trying to post all this stuff and who even cares? Then you’re just going to have to stress about posting everything from this vacation and you’re never going to be caught up. What’s the fucking point?!’

So, I stopped.

I think I had felt a lot of pressure to always be posting about what we were up to and how we were doing out in the USA to keep our friends and family back in South Africa updated, but at the end of the day if people really wanted to know, they would reach out and ask. (And before anyone jumps in and starts pointing fingers saying how awful I am at keeping in touch, I KNOW I am and I’m not blaming anyone who I may have fallen out of touch with.)

I also came to realise that I wasn’t always honest and upfront about what a hard time we were going through adjusting out here, and probably a huge part of why I just couldn’t get myself to share all the time was because I didn’t want anyone to know. I was also so sick to death of showing people only what I wanted them to see. To be clear: I’ll always aim to be honest and upfront and REAL with readers and followers on social media. That doesn’t mean I’m going to post content of me crying during an anxiety attack to share my lowest lows with you all, but if you get in touch and start a conversation with me about something I’ve shared, I will gladly chat to you about it.

That pretty much sums up why I stopped posting to Instagram and quit the 365grateful project, but why did I stop blogging?

PRESSING PAUSE

Initially I thought that sharing my feelings and experiences regarding our relocation would be a cathartic exercise; working through what we’d been through by way of ‘story-telling’. I did find it cathartic and helpful at first, but when I came to points in the story that were especially painful or traumatic to remember and retell, it became quite triggering for me to share. There are also parts of the story that I simply don’t WANT to share publicly because, even though I aim to be real and open and honest with readers, I’m still a person who has a right to their privacy; having a personal blog doesn’t mean that I give up that right. Also, reliving your traumas over and over and over again is NOT a healthy exercise.

These were stumbling blocks that I grappled with for a long time, and rather than share ‘only what I wanted you to see’ or share everything only to regret it later, I simply abandoned it.

During this time, I received emails via the blog and website that made me feel this was no longer a safe space for me to share and I considered shutting the site and blog down completely. But since I worked so hard to create Candice Says and it’s something I hold so dear, I opted instead to keep it running while taking the time and space I needed before revisiting it.

FAST FORWARD

In January 2020, after almost a year away from Candice Says, I came back to the blog and finished the ‘Great Relocation’ series; that gave me a sense of closure I’d been looking forward to and it was also the first thing I posted on my Instagram account in over a year. Knowing it would be impossible for me to catch up on over a year of 365grateful posts, and knowing that starting the project from scratch would only bring me the same results as the previous two years, I decided to remove the hashtag from my Instagram bio and focus on only sharing content as and when I truly wanted to, with more of a focus on ‘stories’ as well. So far, I’m happy to report it’s going well!

Posting to my stories more regularly actually opened up a dialogue that was a huge contributing factor to my return to Candice Says. On July 7, I saw a post on my feed by @trashyqueen_ that really resonated with me. I shared it to my stories and explained why I related so deeply to the message. Here it is:

Screenshot of story shared to @candicesays Instagram stories on 7/7/2020

Essentially, I had wanted to work at a magazine since the age of around 17. In 2016, I started working as a features writer at a magazine and it only took about six months for me to realise that my ‘dream job’ didn’t really make me feel too dreamy. It was a blessing and a curse to come to that realisation; a blessing in that I had the opportunity to do the work and learn that it wasn’t what I’d built it up to be, and a curse in that I had that, ‘Well, shit. What do I do now?’ moment. Anyway, I shared the post to my stories and soon after that my friend, Liz, sent me a DM asking me if I ever write anymore because she always enjoyed reading my stuff. I was so happy to get that message because a) it’s always so lovely to know that someone enjoys your work, and b) it opened up a dialogue about how I was feeling about the blog and forced me to really think about why I had abandoned it. Liz asked me if I miss writing and I told her that I do, but that I never felt like I was reaching a massive audience or that people were interacting with my writing in any way so it was more ‘just something to do’.

We spoke about some other stuff (Liz is so supportive and always makes time to listen and chat), and then I made myself sit and really think about Candice Says and what I’d like to do here. So what if I don’t reach a massive audience and people don’t interact with my work? I thought that was the case and then Liz reached out and proved me wrong; there might be other people out there just like her who feel something about my writing and if I stop, I won’t have the chance to find them! So, here I am: kinda inspired I guess and trying to begin again. Only this time, I think I’ll try do things differently.

EDITS

I’ve deleted the Candice Says Facebook page because no one ever really interacted with it anyway and it was just an extra place to have to post stuff to. My Instagram account is up and running; I’ll post updates on Candice Says there. If you’d like to give me a follow, click the Instagram icon in the top right corner.

I’ve made some changes and updates to the site; there’s less focus on my freelance stuff and more focus on the blog. However, if you are looking for a writer or copy-editor to work on something, you’re welcome to get in touch!

I’m making a commitment to blog more, and talk about a wider range of topics. I’d like to work on some ‘regular’ topics/features, and also use this space to collaborate with others. If there’s anything in particular you’re keen to read about, let me know!

Finally, I’d like to thank you, dear Reader, for sticking around even when I wasn’t here. Your support, engagement, and time are so appreciated and you’re doing a nice thing by giving them to me.

Take care and be safe,

C

xo